Reform

Have stuff you created and want to share? Here is the place.
Swift>
Posts: 5
Joined: Sat Aug 03, 2013 11:25 am

Reform

Post by Swift> »

The opening of eyes
The rising of sun
The truths and lies
And something left undone

The sea shore, the cliff, sweat earth and wide sky
More like sore, little stiff, burning hearth and psych
The feelings I have felt feeling and forward to feel
Is Sanctuary of love, no one can steal
The world and its life is not letting me to live
Alas! Who cares I am on my way, I will!

But since you have bent me like this
My heart get struck
Unthinkable bliss
So I am slowly giving up
All my interests, your love will always be above
So I am slowly giving up
User avatar
Gohar
Posts: 119
Joined: Sat Aug 04, 2012 7:01 pm
Location: Canada

Re: Reform

Post by Gohar »

personally its awesome
Id just suggest
1) More like sore, little stiff, burning hearth and psych <- too many syllables disrupt rhythm a bit
2) All my interests, your love will always be above <- Why not shift "will always be above" to the next line for the mild break or add a comma after your love and a semi-colon after "all my interests" to keep up the pace steadily
All in all a wonderfully touching piece of art. Just make sure people aren't forced to study it in school XD
[10:37] < ri> his name is gohar
[10:37] < ri> cause he go hard
[10:37] < ri> playing discard
[10:37] < ri> no holds barred
[10:37] < ri> got that killa deck
[10:37] < ri> ya'll hit the deck
[10:37] < ri> but before you check
[10:37] < ri> it's way too late
[10:37] < ri> you already lost, mate
Mikara
Posts: 76
Joined: Fri Apr 20, 2012 5:29 pm

Re: Reform

Post by Mikara »

I like the rythm to it. Good job.
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