Lara, Battle Dancer: Stranded

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Mikara
Posts: 76
Joined: Fri Apr 20, 2012 5:29 pm

Lara, Battle Dancer: Stranded

Post by Mikara »

Lara opens her eyes to see not the familiar open sky of the Great Plains but darkened treetops littered with piercing rays of sunlight dancing on her face. The air too, was thick and murky with the smell of turned soil and decaying matter. How she wishes it were just a bit cooler. She moves to get up but quickly realizes it was a mistake. Her ribs fell sore, as if they were bruised or broken. 'This is not good,' she thought trying to keep herself from panicking.

Her survival instinct immediately kicked in, the adrenaline from realizing she was injured in unfamiliar territory allowed her to get up and ignore some of the pain. Thankfully the jungle air was as thick with magic as it was with moisture, she took a few shallow breathes as she began focusing the warm magic on her injuries. Her Scimitar catches her eye glinting in the light. She quickly retrieves her precious heirloom and leans on a tree trying to think quickly of what she must do.

She glances around her not seeing any climbable trees or any areas were the Jungle thins. She sighs as she realizes she is probably stranded in this unknown and hostile territory. She closes her eyes and begins focusing on the sounds around her, searching for running water or danger. The jungle presented itself to her in all its liveliness, with strange clickings, chatter, and the enormously loud hum of the Broadcast Beetle that staked its territory in this area. There was no sound of rushing water but she did smell rain and sensed no danger. She waited for a bit longer for the healing magic to make breathing more bearable and moving a more plausible venture before setting out to explore the jungle.

The trees were giants compared to the ones she came across in her temperate plains, covered in moss, broken branches, and the occasional young beetle flitting past her as she walks in the direction she is hoping is north.

At last she came across a clearing in the jungle after an hours search. It was more like a swamp than a jungle however. Noting that the water was shallow but filled with scum she decided to walk towards the strange looking tree that seemed to be on an island all to itself. She walked towards it cautiously, not knowing if there may be danger hidden in in its branches that drape to the jungle floor. As she got there she looked carefully to see if there were any creatures inside. Instead she saw something even more surprising. Giant yellow bumpy fruits, as big as her head. Tears welled up in her eyes as such relief flooded her form at the prospect of not having to starve.

She carefully plucked one she thought might be ripe, though how she would be able to tell if it was she didn't know. It was as firm to the touch as expected, but nothing she couldn't slice with her weapon. Splitting the fruit revealed a vibrant red flesh with a copious amount of strange looking seeds in its pit. She carefully ripped small chunk of the juicy an popped it into her mouth. It was surprisingly spicy but extremely sweet. She ate more ignoring the burning sensation in her mouth that she slowly got used to.

After filling herself with the strange yellow fruit she relaxed a bit more staring up at the sky as a pair of phoenixes passed over head singing their familiar cry. She had not taken the time till now, but she realized she didn't know how she had gotten here, too focused on survival.

She closed her eyes and focused on her last memories before waking up. She remembered her tribe, scouting for a White Tail at the edge of a forest near the southern portion of the Great Plains, strange music in the background with many strange sounds.... Nothing beyond catching a glimpse of White Tail.

With those thoughts she slipped into sleep, tired from the heavy use of magic and the stress of the past few hours.
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Gohar
Posts: 119
Joined: Sat Aug 04, 2012 7:01 pm
Location: Canada

Re: Lara, Battle Dancer: Stranded

Post by Gohar »

Brilliantly written, try hard and you could be a female J.R.R Tolkien, or better ;)

just wanna point out some opinions:
1. small chunk of the juicy an popped it into her mouth <= this feels like some text is missing (fourth last para).

2. I feel the second para starting out with lack of coherence/fluency (as in fluid description) imo you could try: "As she began to make sense of what happened, adrenaline suddenly rushed through her body and the realization of being injured in unfamiliar territory gave her the motivation to rise as she grimaced in pain." or something else, after all you may know better than me.
keep up the action and i hope for a sequal :)
[10:37] < ri> his name is gohar
[10:37] < ri> cause he go hard
[10:37] < ri> playing discard
[10:37] < ri> no holds barred
[10:37] < ri> got that killa deck
[10:37] < ri> ya'll hit the deck
[10:37] < ri> but before you check
[10:37] < ri> it's way too late
[10:37] < ri> you already lost, mate
king_of_duel
Posts: 172
Joined: Sun Oct 24, 2010 8:43 am

Re: Lara, Battle Dancer: Stranded

Post by king_of_duel »

Nice Mikara.
“Those who have courage and faith shall never perish in misery”
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Gohar
Posts: 119
Joined: Sat Aug 04, 2012 7:01 pm
Location: Canada

Re: Lara, Battle Dancer: Stranded

Post by Gohar »

I expected corrections and a sequel, me wanty a sequel.............ly ;)
[10:37] < ri> his name is gohar
[10:37] < ri> cause he go hard
[10:37] < ri> playing discard
[10:37] < ri> no holds barred
[10:37] < ri> got that killa deck
[10:37] < ri> ya'll hit the deck
[10:37] < ri> but before you check
[10:37] < ri> it's way too late
[10:37] < ri> you already lost, mate
Mikara
Posts: 76
Joined: Fri Apr 20, 2012 5:29 pm

Re: Lara, Battle Dancer: Stranded

Post by Mikara »

Been distracted by other projects. I have the next chapter half written ~.~
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